it's a blank page but somehow you are pictured here

it's a empty hammock and somehow I still see you swinging

my eyes are closed and somehow I still see you there

it's a empty house but somehow I still feel you here

im all alone and it feels that way.

journal entry 500

Lay me in the bath and drown me

In the dark. In one foot of our warmest water. 

--- insert drawing here: bath tub ---

Hang me, take the curtain off the rod and hold me tight around the neck. 

Pull me closer. Pull it tighter. 

Kiss me until my lips bleed

Kiss me until I never bleed again. 

Smile.

Can't you see...?

You look beautiful, in my eyes. 

---- insert drawing here: eye ball with evil fucking bitch in the reflection holy shit. ---

 I've felt this before

The way my mind screams

The way my body shakes

The way my heart sinks

The way my soul has no idea what direction to go

I've felt all of this before

and yet

It feels like the first time

It feels like the last time

 This is the way that I sound.

Muffled and underwater.

God forgive me. 

Water is not soft. Water is not everlasting. Water feels like nothing I have ever hoped for. 

My pores are filled to the brim and it's filling up my lungs.

God save me. 

I am agnostic for love.

I am agnostic for god.

I am drowning. 

Just touch my lips one more time before we all sink out of this consciousness.

No one can save you.

I feel lost and forgotten.

I feel 2 hours too deep into a terrible movie.

I forget to feel anything at all.

Edward James sing with me.

Teach me how to be mad like the hatter. 

Teach me what it's like to drown yourself in everything that's around you.

Teach me how to forget everything but what is not real.

Hold me tightly, and tell me what it's like to be someone else. 

I have caused enough pain to this world. 

I said goodbye and it's scary.

I forget what it's like to feel wanted,

To feel like the only person that could matter,

I want to crave to be something more again, 

To want something badly again, like a final game of scrabble.

to do something good for you.

You are 8 kinds of happy.

You are many types of sad.

and all of them make me smile.

I wish I would of wrote more for you.

Mom please hold me.

Dad please hold me.

Hold me tightly.

Our grass is cut just like our conversations.

Our door never gets painted.

I don't even know what you look like next to me.

I don't even know what you look like.

I could describe the details of everything around you.

Forget me.

God never existed.

God never loved anyone.

I fear nothing.

I form words in my head just hoping to play one more time.

Like a cheating game of hangman, I will be hung. 

Bury me.

forever.

 Fucking shoot me in the back of the fucking head Jesus fucking Christ 

 Anything with you is better then everything without you. It's 2 am and I just woke up from a sweaty nightmare that was a lot like real life. Except all the sinks and bathtubs were gone. 

good ol ryan. Mother fuckin ryan